Record of Lodoss War: CotHK Rewrite
by NeoSapien
Summary: Record of Lodoss War: Chronicles of the Heroic Knight, rewritten as a parody.
1. Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

Disclaimer: Record of Lodoss War, and all other copywrited works, are not my property and are used solely for the purpose of parody.  
  
   
  
To the reader: You may wish to watch RoLW: Chronicles of the Heroic Knight before reading this, as otherwise it won't make any sense. For those of you with fast connections, it's available through streaming video (though dubbed) at www.toonami.com/reactor.  
  
   
  
Record of Lodoss War TV Rewrite  
  
Inspired by Dragon Ball Z Rewrite by Some Random Guy (see www.SomeRandomGuy.com, unfortunately his site is now down)  
  
   
  
Episode 1  
  
The Phantom Menace  
  
of the Black Knight  
  
Narrator: To the south of the continent of Alecrast lies a land people call Lodoss, the accursed island. Needless to say, relations between Lodoss and Alecrast are quite strained.  
  
(At the Temple of Marfa, a mysterious man in black approaches Priestess Neese)  
  
Man in Black: Forgive my intrusion. I have a question about the treasure of the Ice Dragon Bramd, whom I bravely slew in his sleep with my cursed sword, Soul Crusher. Look! I put his eye on the hilt! I understand he gave you some of his treasure.  
  
Neese: Oh yes, we sold it to pay for the funeral expenses of some of our sisters.  
  
Sister Hubert: At least we would have, if Neese hadn't bought a TV and VCR with the profits first.  
  
Neese: Shut up! I'm the Mother Superior here!  
  
Man in Black: Well never mind then. Anything you could sell for electronics is useless to me.  
  
Neese: But who are you, mysterious man in black?  
  
Man in Black: My card. (hands card to Neese)  
  
Neese: (reading) Ashram the Black Knight. Casting cost (3) Colorless + 1 Black Mana. Summon Badass Legend. 2 Black Mana: Return to hand if killed or otherwise removed from play. 5/2. "Ashram?! Why can't he just die and stay dead already?" –Parn.  
  
Ashram: Anyway, I seek the Scepter of Domination so I can fulfill Emperor Beld's dream of uniting Lodoss!  
  
Neese: Why are you telling me this?  
  
Ashram: Oh shit, I keep on doing that. Erm… just kidding! Ta ta! (leaves)  
  
Neese: Oh no. If Ashram gets the Scepter of Domination, he'll rule all of Lodoss and probably slash public funding of Marfa's temple to nothing! Again I must entrust the future of our home entertainment center to one so young.  
  
Narrator: Elsewhere, a band of mercenaries are approaching the town of Zaxon.  
  
Shiris: Orson! Quit lagging behind!  
  
Orson: (emotionless) Fighting is unpleasant.  
  
Mercenary 1: That Orson fellow sure is emotionless and reserved.  
  
Mercenary 2: I heard he's a berserker. When he gets angry, he turns green, grows 400 pounds of muscles and rips all his clothes except his pants!  
  
Mercenary 3: Well I heard at night he gets super-strong, turns gray, and calls himself Joe Fixit.  
  
Other Mercenaries: ????  
  
Shiris: Stop gossiping, you geeks! Ah, here's Zaxon. I see there aren't any troops. Collecting taxes for Duke Rastor of Alania will be easy!  
  
Cecil: Get lost, scumbags! Zaxon is a free town, and I, the town sorcerer, will stop you!  
  
Mercenary 2: Who's the blonde chick?  
  
Cecil: CHICK?! Why you! (points staff) Mana of creation, become, um, something bad!  
  
(A gigantic dead skunk drops in front of the mercenaries)  
  
Shiris: Ewww! Retreat! (they run away)  
  
Cecil: You won't escape me so easily! (runs after them)  
  
(suddenly the mercenaries spring up and surround Cecil)  
  
Shiris: Ha! You fell into our simple trap that only a feeble-minded, hotheaded, peroxide blond moron would fall for.  
  
Cecil: Stop making cracks about my hair! Mana of destruction, I mean creation…  
  
Shiris: Shoot him!  
  
(Arrows fly at Cecil but they all suddenly stop and fall to the ground, like The Matrix with a smaller budget.)  
  
Shiris: What? He can control wind spirits?  
  
Deedlit: (floating twenty feet in the air) No, but I can.  
  
Mercenary 2: Oh poopmonkeys.  
  
(Parn, the famous Free Knight of Lodoss, comes over a hill)  
  
Parn: All right, fun's over.  
  
Shiris: That's what you think. Orson! Get them!  
  
(The mercenaries attack Parn, Deedlit, and Cecil, but they are all defeated by Deedlit's shamanistic spirits. Only Orson and Shiris are left)  
  
Shiris: Curse you! (attacks Parn)  
  
Parn: Ha! You're no match for the famous Free Knight.  
  
(Shiris and Parn slam their swords together, Parn's goes flying out of his hands)  
  
Parn: Not again!  
  
Deedlit: (sighs)  
  
Shiris: Now, do you surrender? (stubs toe) Oww!  
  
Orson: What? Shiris in… pain? (eyes glaze over, muscles bulge out) GRAAAUUUGGHH!! (he attacks Deedlit)  
  
Shiris: Oh no! Once Orson goes berserk, he kills everyone in the vicinity until his body falls apart.  
  
Cecil: Gosh. Why the hell do you travel with him?  
  
Shiris: Well…  
  
Parn: Does this happen a lot?  
  
Cecil: How did you stop him before?  
  
Deedlit: (barely staying alive) Um, little help here?  
  
Shiris: (Frustrated) Look, I wasn't expecting some sort of Marmo Inquisition here!  
  
(Back near Zaxon...)  
  
Parn: Hang on, Deed! (attacks Orson but gets disarmed again) Dammit!  
  
(Orson turns and attacks Shiris)  
  
Shiris: Orson! No!  
  
Orson: ORSON SMASH!  
  
(Suddenly Orson wavers and collapses)  
  
Orson: Orson… sleepy… (thud!)  
  
Parn: (kneeling behind Orson) Good thing I had Deedlit's bedtime sleep suppositories with me.  
  
Cecil: Ugh.  
  
Shiris: Oh Parn, you saved me… (eyes turn to hearts)  
  
Parn: (sweatdrops)  
  
Narrator: Later, in Zaxon, the heroes tend to Orson.  
  
Shiris: He's possessed by the Spirit of Anger. In the War of Heroes his sister was killed by a bunch of rampaging goblins, and since then whenever he sees a woman in pain he goes berserk. Perhaps if that war hadn't happened, he wouldn't be in this condition.  
  
Parn: The War of Heroes may be over, but clearly its wounds have yet to heal in many places. (holds up arm) See this scar? Gangrenous.  
  
Everyone: (sweatdrops)  
  
Shiris: So, what are you going to do with us? We attacked your village and almost killed Cecily here.  
  
Cecil: (growls)  
  
Parn: If you promise never to do it again we'll let you go free.  
  
Shiris: Nah.  
  
Parn: Oh all right, you can go anyway.  
  
Shiris: I'd like some cash, too.  
  
Parn: (reaching into wallet) You drive a hard bargain, missy!  
  
Slayn: Hello, everyone.  
  
Cecil: (overjoyed) It's Slayn! And Leylia! And their young daughter little Neese! And their pet, the water Pokemon Squirtle!  
  
Squirtle: Squirtle!  
  
Deedlit: Hey there young lady, how did you like your big trip to see your grandmother of the same name?  
  
Little Neese: Grandma says I'm going to be a doorway to unspeakable evil!  
  
Slayn: Parn, I have to talk with you. I have a mission of utmost importance and danger for you.  
  
Parn: Again? I'm zonked from the little skirmish I had earlier today, despite that I've been in far more dangerous battles many times before. Tell me tomorrow and I'll fight your dragon or Balrog or monopolistic software corporate giant.  
  
Slayn: Oh wonderful! I was afraid you wouldn't do it!  
  
Parn: (panicked) We're going up against Microsoft?!  
  
(The scene changes to show a stain glass window. Two tall shadows shrink to short shadows and knock the door over, revealing Parn and Deedlit's heads imposed on three-year old bodies. KAWAII!)  
  
Both: Welcome to Lodoss Island!  
  
Parn: And now!  
  
Deedlit: What you're all been waiting for!  
  
Both: THE SECOND PART!  
  
(curtain rises)  
  
Deedlit: This is the comic relief part of the episode, where we explain parts of Lodoss's history or ridicule characters and plot events.  
  
Parn: Wait. You mean this is a parody segment?  
  
Deedlit: Of course, silly!  
  
Parn: But this entire story is a parody of Lodoss! We can't make fun of ourselves making fun of ourselves, it would be as redundant as writing a parody of Spaceballs.  
  
Ringing Metallic Voice: Funny you mention that.  
  
Parn & Deedlit: It's Taco the Bell!  
  
Taco the Bell: You know, this is the silliest thing we've ever done.  
  
Parn: Shall we stop it?  
  
Deedlit: Yes.  
  
(They all exit. Suddenly, DRAMATIC CHORD and Wagnard, Groder and Pirotess in cardinals' outfits burst in)  
  
Wagnard: NOOOOBODY EXPECTS THE MARMO INQUISI-  
  
THE END  
  
Wagnard: -oh bugger.  
  
NEXT EPISODE:  
  
Parn: It's an exposition episode! That means there's a lot of talking and no fighting. Booo-ringgg. But, anyway, it has two chicks arguing over me, which is always a plus. On the next exciting episode of Record of Lodoss War TV Rewrite:  
  
History Lesson… of Doom! 


	2. Episode 2: History Lesson... of Doom!!!!...

Record of Lodoss War TV Rewrite  
  
Episode 2  
  
History Lesson… of Doom  
  
(Flashback: 5 years ago, the War of Heroes)  
  
(Goblins are searching a village for eco-terrorists. Young Orson and his sister are huddled in hiding)  
  
Goblin Captain: Attention Greenies! This village is the designated testing ground of Marmo's newest weapon of mass destruction! This is your last chance to surrender before we commence detonation!  
  
Sister: I'm sorry, Orson. (jumps out of hiding place) You environmentally unsound MONSTERS! (The goblins jump her and stab her to death)  
  
Young Orson: No!  
  
(suddenly the bomb goes off prematurely in a massive explosion, and Orson is zapped with gamma rays)  
  
Young Orson: Rraaaaaaaaagh!! (Orson mutates into a massive berserker)  
  
(Present: A house in Zaxon. Leylia is tending to Orson while Parn, Deedlit, Cecil, little Neese and Shiris lounge around)  
  
Leylia: Holy Marfa, please lay the astral smackdown on this man's raging soul.  
  
Shiris: Poor Orson.  
  
Deedlit: He's a living time bomb! Why are we even keeping him alive?  
  
Parn: Now that's just harsh. But I must admit he makes me uneasy. I try to avoid enemies I can't defeat with a sword-  
  
Cecil: (muttering) …must avoid a lot of battles then…  
  
Parn: (oblivious) –and those I can, I make exceptions for multibillion dollar software conglomerates.  
  
(Slayn enters)  
  
Slayn: Oh don't be silly. I was talking about fighting dragons, not Microsoft!  
  
Parn: Phew! I thought you wanted me to do something hard!  
  
Cecil: (rolls eyes)  
  
Slayn: I believe it's time for the backstory. Leylia?  
  
(A flashback begins, Leylia narrating)  
  
Leylia: Long ago, the ancient sorcerers of Lodoss were very powerful. They controlled the five Ancient Dragons with sorcery and established the kingdom of Castlevania. Unfortunately, they grew arrogant, and were all but destroyed in an experiment gone wrong. The power of the kingdom was broken and the barbarians overran all of Castlevania…  
  
(The Castle of Castlevania is under siege. Inside, the Governor is approached by Karla)  
  
Governor: Ah, Karla, I see you are wearing the circlet you have placed your soul into, so that whoever kills you will be compelled to wear the circlet and be possessed, thus guaranteeing you immortality!  
  
Karla: Yes, Governor Exposition, I created it, of course I know how it works.  
  
Governor: Oh, how far we have fallen since that night when all the sorcerers got smashed during that monster movie marathon and tried to resurrect Dracula. It went horribly wrong of course, and all were killed off one-by-one by the vampire-monster until the last two, the Sorceress-who- learns-there-are-more-important-things-than-popularity and the Guy-who-has- a-crush-on-her managed to summon Simon Belmont to save the day.  
  
Karla: Yes, that was us!  
  
Governor: Then the barbarians, seeing our weakness, attacked us, and we are now only minutes from certain doom at their hands.  
  
Karla: Why are you telling me these things, Governor? I already know them!  
  
Governor: I'm sorry, Karla, what was it you came here for?  
  
Karla: I wanted to use the Five Treasures of Lodoss and the Ancient Dragons to save us!  
  
Governor: Ah, you mean the Scepter of Domination, the Soul Crystal Ball, the Staff of Life, the Silver Slippers of the Witch of the East, and the Purple Cardigan of Mr. Rogers?  
  
Karla: Yes! What other Five Treasure would I be talking about?! We could use the dragons to hold off the barbarians, and the Scepter of Domination-  
  
Governor: -which has the power to command every living thing-  
  
Karla: -to reestablish our rule over them!  
  
Governor: Oh, well, those were good ideas, but I sent the Dragons off with the Five Treasures to hiding spots in the far corners of Lodoss, to keep the treasures safe.  
  
Karla: You WHAT?! You sent off the Dragons AND the Treasures? You IDIOT! You utter, utter MORON!  
  
Governor: sorry…  
  
Karla: Gaaah! (pounds fist on table) WHY…are people… so… STUPID?! We are in this mess because of STUPIDITY! I vow that I will seek to control the nations of Lodoss and keep them from becoming so powerful, so that no one can ever be so MIND-BENDINGLY STUPID ever again!  
  
Governor: Well, for your sake, Karla, I hope that people will become less stupid in the future.  
  
Karla: Fat chance of THAT!  
  
(Karla exits)  
  
Leylia: Karla left and was killed by a barbarian, but possessed him through her circlet. And that is the end of the story of the fall of Castlevania.  
  
(back in the present)  
  
Shiris: I've heard this story! But everyone who goes looking for the treasures ends up dead.  
  
Slayn: Yes, which is exactly why we must look for them. Wait, that didn't come out right at all. Anyway, what is important is that a man, capable of killing the dragons, is now looking for the Scepter of Domination. He has already killed the Ice Dragon Bramd. He has returned, Parn. The Black Knight of Marmo!  
  
Parn: (puzzled) Should I know him?  
  
Slayn: (put off) It's Ashram, Parn! ASHRAM IS BACK!  
  
Parn: Ashram? Doesn't ring a bell.  
  
Slayn: Don't you remember? Tall, dark fellow? Long black hair? Totally humiliated you in battle multiple times?  
  
Parn: Oh, oh, THAT Ashram. But isn't he dead?  
  
Slayn: Nope!  
  
Deedlit: Hey, which dragon has the Scepter of Domination?  
  
Slayn: Well, the Ice Dragon Bramd is dead, and as the kingdom of Honalee isn't very powerful, we can probably eliminate Puff the Magic Dragon. That leaves Shooting Star of Fire Dragon Mountain and Abram of Blue Dragon Island.  
  
Parn: What about Narse, the Black Dragon of Marmo?  
  
Leylia: Oh, he won't show up until episode 23. It can't be him.  
  
Slayn: So, we must now set off on our quest to kill not one but TWO dragons of incredible power, to prevent the evil Ashram from obtaining the Scepter of Domination and conquering all of Lodoss!  
  
Cecil: Hey, why don't we just whack Ashram? Wouldn't that save time and energy?  
  
Parn: I've got a better idea! Let's go to the kingdom of Flaim and get help from King Kashue to kill the dragons!  
  
Cecil: That's not a better idea!  
  
Slayn: I was thinking the exact same thing, Parn!  
  
Cecil: But what about MY idea?  
  
Parn: Then it's settled! Tomorrow we set out for Blade, the capital of Flaim! Destiny calls, and we must not wait five rings for our call screening to pick up for us!  
  
Cecil: Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me? And what the hell does that mean?  
  
Shiris: Whiner.  
  
Narrator: The next day, Parn and his companions left Zaxon and set out for the desert kingdom of Flaim.  
  
(Parn, Deedlit, Cecil, Slayn and Leylia are riding along. Suddenly Shiris and Orson jump out)  
  
Shiris: Hey, we've decided to come with you!  
  
Deedlit: No way! Your friend's a psycho, and you're just trying to get your claws on Parn!  
  
Orson: She's got us there.  
  
Shiris: Shut up!  
  
Cecil: Get lost, you two! You're just a couple of no-good mercenaries!  
  
Shiris: Well you're just a blond, arrogant, sissy bishounen!  
  
Cecil: I am NOT sissy!  
  
Parn: If you two are going to fight then you can't come.  
  
Shiris: So, if I don't fight then I can come?  
  
Parn: Umm… no! Nice try.  
  
Slayn: Oh let them come with us, they're important characters and we need to advance the plot.  
  
Deedlit: But they don't even have horses!  
  
Leylia: (aside) And yet, somehow they managed to beat us here.  
  
Shiris: That's no problem, Orson can ride in the wagon, and I can ride Parn.  
  
Deedlit: Don't you mean ride WITH Parn?  
  
Shiris: Sure, whatever.  
  
Deedlit: (hisses)  
  
(Later, Parn speaks to Shiris about Karla)  
  
Parn: Leylia didn't tell you the whole truth about Karla. Karla was responsible for the War of Heroes, and she was possessing Leylia at the time. We managed to free Leylia from Karla's control, but she vowed revenge, sometime, somewhere when we least expected it. She could be anyone, anywhere… even ME!  
  
Shiris: You're just trying to scare me away, aren't you?  
  
Parn: …yes.  
  
Narrator: Meanwhile, at the Temple of Myrii, the War God, near the city of Blade, the priest Hobb has been greeted by the leader of a mysterious band in black.  
  
(inside the temple)  
  
Hobb: So, you want me to betray King Kashue, my liege lord, and go off with you, his worst enemy?  
  
Ashram: Uh-huh.  
  
Hobb: (gasps) But why would I do such a thing?  
  
Ashram: Because I am a true hero following the path of Emperor Beld of Marmo, and Kashue… is… um… a loser!  
  
Hobb: (gasps)  
  
Ashram: You see, Kashue only cares about his kingdom, but Emperor Beld was concerned with uniting all of Lodoss! Who would you say is the better hero?  
  
Hobb: (gasps) But Beld was a madman! He ravaged Lodoss and brought death and destruction everywhere!  
  
Ashram: (frantic) No he didn't no he didn't!  
  
Hobb: (gasps) He was a tyrant! A brute! A savage warlord crushing everything in his path!  
  
Ashram: (fingers in ears) La la la la la la I can't heeear you!  
  
Hobb: (dismissive) Do you have anything else to say to me?  
  
Ashram: Well maybe THIS will convince you. (takes out Soul Crusher) By the power of Conquera! I have the power! I am – Ashram!  
  
Hobb: (Gasps)  
  
Ashram: (concerned) Are you having trouble breathing? You certainly are gasping a lot.  
  
Hobb: (gasps) Well, now that you mention it, this desert air is doing a number on my lungs. But why do you want to unite all of Lodoss, anyway?  
  
Ashram: Because a united Lodoss would be strong enough to attack the continent of Alecrast, and finally we could pay those arrogant twits back for calling us "the Accursed Island"!  
  
Hobb: (gasps) Why didn't you say so in the first place? I'd love to stick it to the Alecrastians! Let's go!  
  
Narrator: Four minutes later, Priest Hobb… disappeared! Ooooooh!  
  
Hobb: That would have been a lot scarier if I hadn't just promised to go with Ashram.  
  
Narrator: Wiseass.  
  
  
  
NEXT EPISODE  
  
Parn: It's the city of Blade! Get it? Blade! Like Wesley Snipes!  
  
Deedlit: No, Parn.  
  
Parn: Oh, well. I thought it was funny. Anyway, we meet King Kashue and he helps us and stuff. Yeah. Also, who's this young whippersnapper? It's Spark! Uh oh, could he be after my job?! On the next episode of RoLW Rewrite: The King is a Thing – of Nothing! I don't get it.  
  
Me: It's Shakespeare.  
  
Parn: You better get ready! 


	3. Episode 3: The King is a Thing - of Noth...

ROLW TV Rewrite  
  
Episode 3  
  
The King is a Thing – Of Nothing  
  
  
  
(The heroes ride into the city of Blade, capital of Flaim)  
  
Parn: Ah, Blade. It seems like only yesterday we were here defeating the four Elementals of Fire, Air, Earth and Water sent by the evil wizard Ad Avis. And then I pushed him, I mean he fell, off a high balcony. (thinks) No wait, that was Quest for Glory 2! Deed, have we ever been here before?  
  
Deedlit: (sighs)  
  
(Suddenly cries are heard off to one side of the road)  
  
Parn: This looks like a job for the Free Knight of Lodoss! (Parn jumps off his horse for a record dismount of 20 feet and makes a graceful landing on his face)  
  
Parn: I meant to do that!  
  
Slayn: The saddest thing is, he's telling the truth.  
  
(Parn walks into a ring of armed men)  
  
Parn: What seems to be the problem, gentlemen?  
  
Armed Man 1: Oh nothing, we're just putting on a little sword show for the kids. These aren't even real swords, see? Wooden.  
  
Parn: (draws sword) If you're looking for a fight, you've found one!  
  
Armed Man 2: What are you talking about, buddy?  
  
Parn: I will defend the innocent from your violent tendencies! (Parn attacks the men) Take that! And that!  
  
Armed Man 1: (defending himself) Are you nuts? Help! Guards!  
  
Leylia: Please, be easy on him!  
  
Parn: Oh all right.  
  
Leylia: I wasn't talking to you!  
  
(The play fighters flee in bewilderment. Several turbaned guards arrive)  
  
Guard Captain: Drop your weapon, madman!  
  
Parn: I am so tired of hearing that. If you wish to fight me, then come on!  
  
Slayn: You can't fight these men, Parn. They have REAL swords!  
  
Guard Captain: Did you say… Parn? (entire group of guards throw themselves on the ground) I am sorry, noble Free Knight! I had no idea it was you!  
  
Parn: Now that's more like it.  
  
Guard Captain: (still on ground) To think I insulted the man who saved all of Flaim from the evil Ad Avis!  
  
Parn: (modest) Well, I didn't get all 500 points the first time through.  
  
Guard Captain: (stands) Never mind that! Let's head for the palace. King Kashue is waiting for you.  
  
Parn: He is? But how could he be waiting for us if he doesn't know… that we're coming?  
  
Guard Captain: Did I say that? Forget I said that.  
  
Shiris: Wow, Parn certainly is admired and adored here.  
  
Orson: Peculiar, isn't it?  
  
Shiris: (kicks Orson)  
  
(Later, as the heroes make their way through the palace, they see a young boy being beat up by a larger boy in a courtyard.)  
  
Large Boy: Spark, you weenie! You'll never be a knight!  
  
Spark: I will too! And then you'll have to be polite to me all the time for no good reason!  
  
Large Boy: Oooh. Just for that, it's noogie time!  
  
Spark: No, please no! Arrrrghhh…  
  
Deedlit: That young boy getting the crap kicked out of him has a lot of spirit.  
  
Slayn: He reminds me of someone. A young Parn.  
  
Parn: You take that back!  
  
(The heroes enter the throne room, where they all kneel to King Kashue. All except Parn, that is)  
  
Parn: KING KASHUE! (runs up and hugs the king)  
  
Kashue: (laughs) Hello Parn, it's good to see you. It's good to see all of you! You don't have to be so respectful. Be more like Parn here! (a pause) Uhm Parn, you can let go of me now.  
  
Parn: (Still hugging Kashue) In a minute.  
  
Everyone: (Sweatdrops)  
  
(King Kashue and the heroes are talking around the Rectangular Table.)  
  
King Kashue: So you came here on a quest to slay Shooting Star, the dragon of Fire Dragon Mountain? It just so happens that I also am planning a mission to destroy Shooting Star. It cannot possibly be a coincidence!  
  
Deedlit: Really? Do you think we have no free will in this world, and are all pawns of fate, like some sort of Hand of God?  
  
Kashue: Huh? What are you talking about?  
  
Deedlit: …nothing.  
  
Kashue: Er, right. You see, Shooting Star has been preying on my Western subjects. Shooting Star has a weird philosophy of eating as high up the food chain as possible, and the Western villagers of Flaim were very high up indeed.  
  
Leylia: That's terrible! You mean all of those poor people… they were all…  
  
Kashue: Cannibals. Yes. We've been having severe hunger problems, you know. But as ironic as their fate was, they were still my subjects, and they must be avenged. We march to Shooting Star's hunting ground at the break of dawn!  
  
Parn: Well this is great! We'll have this adventure wrapped up by episode 5!  
  
Slayn: You FOOLS! (Everyone stares at Slayn) I mean, wait, aren't we forgetting about Abram, the dragon of Blue Dragon Island? He could have the Scepter of Domination, too. Ashram could get it while we're busy with Shooting Star.  
  
Kashue: Oh crap, you're right. What are we going to do? Oh, if only we could go after both dragons at the same time. If only there was some way that all of us didn't have to go after only Shooting Star or only Abram. If we could, somehow, be in two places simultaneously…  
  
Shiris: Maybe we can. What if we split our forces?  
  
Kashue: Split our forces? BRILLIANT! Why didn't I think of that? You are a military genius, my lady!  
  
Parn: Are you being sarcastic, sire?  
  
Kashue: …to tell you the truth, I'm not really sure.  
  
Slayn: Splitting our forces shouldn't be so bad. King Kashue can take his army and Parn and Deedlit to fight Shooting Star, and us mages can become an l33t strike force commando team to take out Abram. And the man to lead us is… Orson!  
  
Everyone: ORSON?!  
  
Leylia: (sighs) What have I told you about the brown crack, dear?  
  
Slayn: No, no, this is good! Remember when Parn was just starting out?  
  
Deedlit: (puts forehead on table) Please, don't remind me.  
  
Slayn: Well, he was the leader, so he got the lion's share of XP and thus improved from being a totally worthless fighter to… okay, bad example. But my point is still valid.  
  
Cecil: I get it! If Orson is the leader, his Intelligence and Willpower attributes will increase faster, so he won't become a Berserker again. He'll be cured! (checks script) Hey, what the hell? This is my only line this episode!  
  
Shiris: Ha ha haaa! (singing) It's yoooooouur onnnnly liiiiiine! And you can't say anything baaaaack, 'cause iiiiit's your only liiiiiiiiiiine!  
  
(Cecil growls.)  
  
(Some time later, Parn, Deedlit, and Orson are standing in the Great Hall, watching a ball hosted by King Kashue.)  
  
Parn: Great Hall, huh? I don't see what's so great about it.  
  
Deedlit: No, Parn, that's just an… oh never mind.  
  
(Shiris walks up wearing practically nothing at all.)  
  
Shiris: Hey Parn, how do I look?  
  
Parn: (Staring at King Kashue) Wonderful! I mean, what?  
  
Shiris: C'mon, let's boogie!  
  
Deedlit: (head morphs into cat, which hisses)  
  
Shiris: (hisses right back)  
  
Orson: (monotone) If only I had emotions so this could turn me on.  
  
(Parn and Shiris dance.)  
  
Parn: Hey, this is kinda fun.  
  
Shiris: If you think I'm fun standing up, just wait 'till you see me lying down!  
  
Deedlit: (on the other side of the room) SKANK!  
  
(Suddenly some guy bumps Shiris from behind.)  
  
Shiris: WATCH IT, ASSHOLE! (The guy turns around. It's King Kashue) Oh, your Majesty! I'm sorry! Erm, pardon me for bumping into you.  
  
Kashue: (takes Shiris in his arms and Frenches her) No, pardon me. Parn! I'd like you to meet my page, Spark. He's very eager to tell you something.  
  
Spark: Hurry up and die, loser! I wanna be the star!  
  
Kashue: Ha ha ha! Don't kids say the darndest things?  
  
Parn: (takes hand off of sword hilt) Yeah.  
  
Kashue: Come on, Parn. I think Spark would like to see us spar. Hey, I made a funny!  
  
Parn and Spark: (Sweatdrops)  
  
(Parn and King Kashue head to some dark room to let Spark watch them play with their swords. Wait, that didn't come out right! Forget I said that)  
  
Narrator: Meanwhile, somewhere to the west…  
  
(Ashram and Priest Hobb are riding through a burned wasteland)  
  
Hobb: So, this is the work of Shooting Star.  
  
Ashram: Well duh.  
  
Hobb: The power of such a beast must be incredible.  
  
Ashram: Awww, is the little priest of the War God afwaid? Do you want to go home to your mommy?  
  
Hobb: N-no, Sir Ashram. My faith in Myrii is strong. (points over Ashram's shoulder) IT'S HIM! SHOOTING STAR!  
  
Ashram: EEEEEEEEK! (turns around, sees nothing) Oh. Funny. Ha. Ha. (begins evil laughter) Ha ha ahahahahHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!  
  
Hobb: Are you all right, Sir Ashram?  
  
Ashram: HAAAAHA-(cough) (cough) Yeah. Sorry. Old habit. Well, Warp Factor Five, horse! (Ashram rides off and breaks the sound barrier)  
  
Hobb: How does he do that?  
  
(Back in Flaim, Parn and King Kashue are sparring with young Spark watching)  
  
Kashue: Attack me, Parn!  
  
(Parn attacks, his sword goes flying out of his hands.)  
  
Kashue: (sighs) Spark, what did Parn do wrong?  
  
Spark: Be born?  
  
Parn: Why, you little-  
  
Kashue: Oh ignore him, Parn. Attack me again!  
  
Parn: (thinking) He's incredible. And handsome. No, can't let that distract me!  
  
(Parn picks up his sword, screams and charges Kashue. Kashue casually knocks him flat on his back.)  
  
Kashue: That's better! In a couple years, you'll be a greater fighter than I ever was.  
  
Parn: Really?  
  
Kashue: No. But that's not the reason why I brought you here. Parn, do you know why I stuck my tongue down Shiris' throat earlier?  
  
Parn: Of course! It's not like I'm gay or anything.  
  
Kashue: (Sweatdrops) Riiiiight. I did it to demonstrate that it's good to be the king. I've been hearing how you and your friends are causing trouble for Duke Rastur of Alania.  
  
Parn: Oh, we're just stealing from the rich to give to the poor, kind of thing.  
  
Kashue: Parn, how would you like to be king? You could rise in revolt, raise an army of peasants, and lead them to be slaughtered before the capital, wading through seas of blood to the crown of Alania.  
  
Parn: Gee, I dunno…  
  
Kashue: Alania could use a king like you. Think about it, Parn.  
  
Parn: But, King Kashue. I'm a small town kind of guy. A bourgeois. A burgher.  
  
Kashue: You could be the first burgher to become a king, then.  
  
Parn: Hmm. The first Burgher King.  
  
Taco the Bell: That's the worst joke I've ever heard!  
  
(Kashue leaves.)  
  
Parn: (internal monologue, as he swings his sword around wildly) Hmm… to be, or not to be, a king. That is the question. But I'll worry about that later. Now, I must focus on the tasks ahead! Shooting Star must be destroyed! Ashram must be stopped! Or the other way around. And as for Spark, that spoiled little brat…  
  
Spark: Hey, you almost took my head off!  
  
Parn: Sorry! (thinking) Dammit! Missed him by that much.  
  
NEXT EPISODE  
  
Parn: We're off on our separate missions! Deed and I must stop the terrible Shooting Star, and Orson must lead his motley crew to the free city Raiden, where they encounter something totally unexpected.  
  
Maar: Yeah, me!  
  
Parn: Shut up, you love child of Link and Sam Gamgee! Anyway, it's all in the next episode of RoLW Rewrite: What a Dragon!  
  
Parn: You better get ready! 


	4. Episode 4: What a Dragon

ROLW: CotHK Rewrite  
  
Episode 4  
  
What a Dragon  
  
(The army of King Kashue is leaving Blade, surrounded by a shouting crowd)  
  
Parn: Ah, how wonderful it is to be supported by a loving populace. Hey, how nice! They're throwing fruit to us!  
  
Deedlit: I think they're actually throwing it AT us. (Gets hit with a mushy tomato) Ewww!  
  
Angry Crowd Guy: You suck, Kashue!  
  
Another Angry Guy: Legalize pipeweed!  
  
Protestor: Embrace our reptilian friends! Peace with Shooting Star!  
  
Kashue: Damn hippies! (gets hit by a rutabaga) TAXES ARE GOING UP FOR THIS!  
  
Narrator: At the Temple of Myrii, King Kashue is told about Ashram's visit and Hobb's defection.  
  
Kashue: You say Priest Hobb joined Ashram? This is terrible!  
  
Priest: It gets worse. He graffitied the walls, "Ashram rulez, Kashue droolz!!" and "Flaim suXors!!!"  
  
Kashue: I should have suspected something was up when I got that note from him asking for a preemptive pardon for high treason.  
  
(The army rides out into the desert)  
  
Parn: Finally, we're off to destroy Shooting Star.  
  
Deedlit: Would you stop saying that every six minutes?  
  
(Shiris rides up between them)  
  
Shiris: (eyes are hearts) Byeeee, Parnie! Good luck with your dragon!  
  
Parn: Shiris! What are you doing here?  
  
Shiris: Oh, I just rode eight miles out of the way to say goodbye to my man.  
  
Parn: Really? Where is he?  
  
Shiris: You're so silly! (blows kiss)  
  
(Meanwhile Deedlit is blowing steam from her ears)  
  
Parn: Deed, is there something bothering you?  
  
Deedlit: Gee, Mr. Perceptive, what clued you in?  
  
Parn: What could be wrong?  
  
Deedlit: (coldly) Oh, nothing. It just seems I'm allergic to clueless losers.  
  
Parn: Gee, I'm sorry, Deed. It must have been trying traveling so far with Cecil.  
  
Cecil: (off in the distance) I HEARD THAT!  
  
Narrator: Back in Blade, the l33t strike force led by Orson is preparing to head out.  
  
Slayn: We must now set out to Blue Dragon Island to destroy Abram and gain the Scepter of Domination, giving me the power to rule all of Lodoss, nay, the entire WORLD! AH HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!  
  
(Everyone stares at Slayn)  
  
Slayn: Oh wait. Am I one of the good guys?  
  
Leylia: Yes, dear.  
  
Slayn: Drat!  
  
Shiris: Well, Orson, you're the leader. What should we do now?  
  
Orson: (thinks for a couple minutes) I dunno.  
  
Slayn: I knew you'd be an excellent replacement for Parn.  
  
Orson: (thinking) Must…control…urge…to kill…wise guy…  
  
Narrator: On the high seas, a band of scurvy pirate dogs, flying a Marmo flag, plunders and pillages!  
  
(stock footage of pirates, cannons, explosions, old women applauding)  
  
(In their secret hideout, Ashram's Marmo crew is celebrating their recent plunder)  
  
Crew: (singing) Fifteen men on a dead man's che-est, Yo Ho Ho and a bottle o' –  
  
Lookout: Ashram's coming! Quick, everyone look busy!  
  
Ashram: (enters) Ah, Captain. I've been hearing some rumors – and you must understand I give them no credence – that you and your crew may be, when you are free from official duties, indulging in… (pauses) …piracy.  
  
Crew: (shocked) SHIVER ME TIMBERS!!  
  
Bloth: Arrrrr! Some landlubber's bin spreadin' lies about us!  
  
Long John Silver: We'll have the weasel walk the plank, if'n we find him!  
  
Ashram: I thought as much. No noble Marmo crew would ever resort to piracy. Isn't that correct, Captain?  
  
Captain Hook: You have my word, Lord Ashram, that Captain James S. Hook will NEVER be called a pirate!  
  
Ashram: I cannot believe you said that with a straight face.  
  
(Ashram meets with his party of mercenaries and mages)  
  
Ashram: So, the plan is to sail to Blue Dragon Island and slay the dragon Abram, thus obtaining the Scepter of Domination.  
  
Astar: Do we really have to kill him? It's such a waste of a perfectly good evil monster.  
  
Groder: Perhaps not. Dragons can be reasoned with, under certain circumstances.  
  
Ashram: And which circumstances would these be?  
  
Groder: Um… Or was that vampires? Yes, vampires can be reasoned with. Not dragons.  
  
Hobb: (rolls eyes)  
  
(Suddenly a disembodied voice is heard)  
  
Voice: Groder! I must speak with you at once!  
  
(Everyone stares at Groder)  
  
Voice: Groder! Immediately!  
  
Groder: (Embarrassed) Excuse me. I have to go, um, to the, um, bathroom. Yes, that's it! The bathroom. Not a secret meeting with my true master, just the bathroom.  
  
Ashram: (trying to be sarcastic) Go then, and try not to flush yourself down the toilet!  
  
(Groder exits)  
  
Hobb: I don't trust Groder. That dark sorcerer has some ulterior motive or hidden purpose or something.  
  
Ashram: Gee, what tipped you off?  
  
Hobb: …  
  
Ashram: (not sarcastic) No really, what tipped you off? I had no idea Groder was up to something.  
  
Hobb: (Sweatdrops)  
  
(Meanwhile, in the bathroom…)  
  
Groder: (kneeling) What is thy bidding, my master?  
  
Wagnard: (in Marmo) Oh knock that off, Groder! It was funny the first couple of times, but now it's just lame.  
  
Groder: Sorry.  
  
Wagnard: So, how is Ashram doing?  
  
Groder: I believe he suspects your involvement in his affairs.  
  
Wagnard: Really? But how?  
  
Groder: You mean besides your disembodied voice booming across the room?  
  
Wagnard: That could have been any disembodied voice!  
  
Groder: (sighs) Well, we're off to Blue Dragon Island.  
  
Wagnard: Good! Be sure to get the Soul Crystal Plot Device, I mean Ball.  
  
Groder: Ok, whatever. Talk to you later.  
  
Wagnard: So long. (Groder breaks the connection.) Ha! The Soul Crystal doohickey is the first step in the resurrection of Kardis, goddess of destruction! When Kardis returns, all of Lodoss will be utterly destroyed, and more importantly I will never have another lonely Saturday night watching syndicated science fiction! Muahahahaha! (more evil laughter)  
  
Narrator: Meanwhile, Orson's l33t strike force has reached the city of Raiden, where they attempt to get passage aboard a ship to Blue Dragon Island. Unfortunately, all the crews are too afraid of pirates.  
  
(Later, in a local tavern…)  
  
Shiris: I can't believe we couldn't get a ship! All because of those stupid pirates.  
  
Cecil: Of course it had nothing to do with your threatening to decapitate the harbormaster, Shiris.  
  
Shiris: I did offer to sleep with him, first.  
  
Cecil: Slut!  
  
Shiris: Bitch.  
  
Cecil: WHY YOU-  
  
Slayn: Easy, Cecil. What we need to do is focus on our next move.  
  
Shiris: I think we should go after the pirates ourselves!  
  
Maar: Excuse me, I heard someone mention "pirates".  
  
Cecil: What the hell are you?  
  
Maar: I'm a meadow sprite! It's like a cross between an elf and a hobbit, only more annoying. I'm from Alecrast.  
  
Everyone: (jumping up in anger) ALECRAST?!  
  
Maar: …but I left because I hated it and everyone who lives there!  
  
Leylia: That's ok, then.  
  
Maar: Anyway, I know where the pirates live, and if you pay me gold, I can show you.  
  
Shiris: See! Isn't this just perfect? I'm sure that if Parn were here, he'd attack the pirates!  
  
Orson: Yes, it is what Parn would do. But it's still a good idea. The pirates know that no group our size would be crazy enough to attack them, as we would not stand a chance and be completely slaughtered. So they won't expect an attack.  
  
Slayn: This is just what Parn would do! Which is why Leylia and I will wait for you here.  
  
Orson: Then it's decided.  
  
Shiris: Orson, I bet you're doing this just because you're jealous of Parn! Ooh, I just love it when guys are going crazy over me!  
  
Deedlit: (hundreds of miles away) SKANK!  
  
Narrator: Elsewhere, King Kashue's army advances towards the hunting grounds of Shooting Star.  
  
Parn: Deedlit, why did you just scream "Skank" at the top of your lungs?  
  
Deedlit: Oh, just thinking of someone.  
  
(They reach a burned village. Ashes and bones are everywhere)  
  
Deedlit: Oh, this is awful!  
  
Parn: Shooting Star must be destroyed!  
  
Kashue: Actually, this is just the remnants of the villagers' last barbecue.  
  
Deedlit: But those are HUMAN bones!  
  
Kashue: Yeah. Damn cannibals. Anyway, we will make our attack here, in memory of those so messily devoured while in the process of devouring others!  
  
Narrator: Back in the city of Raiden, the others are… sleeping.  
  
(We see Cecil and Maar sprawled in their beds, drooling. Orson is awake.)  
  
Shiris: (talking in her sleep) Oh Orson, give it to me! Oh yes! Harder! Oh baby! Orson! ORSON!  
  
Orson: (looking at Shiris) A pity I cannot feel true lov-  
  
Narrator: (interrupting) Isn't this pushing the limits on our PG-13 rating?  
  
Me: Just stick to the script.  
  
Narrator: Make me.  
  
Me: Wiseass!  
  
Narrator: No really, make me! You're the one writing this, after all.  
  
Me: Actually, I'm not writing this. I'm a self-insertion of the author into the story. Thus, I don't actually have any true control of the story, being a part of it myself.  
  
Orson: Look, I'm as fascinated by this metaphysical discussion as the next guy, but could we get back to the story?  
  
Narrator: (ignoring him) Ah, I see! So you are merely an avatar of the essentially omnipotent writer into our textual universe.  
  
Me: Not exactly. I'm more of a character explicitly identified with the author, though my actual being and nature is purely textual and thus wholly separate from the "real" author.  
  
Orson: (really irritated) You two are ticking me off!  
  
Narrator: So what am I, then? An omniscient entity broadcasting comments for the edification of our readers?  
  
Orson: (starts his transformation) GRRRRAAAAAUUUGH!!!  
  
Me: Oh, now look what you've done!  
  
Narrator: Hey, you're the one writing this!  
  
Me: (sigh)  
  
(Orson's eyes turn white and giant green muscles burst out of his clothes. He brings his hands up ready to smash Shiris.)  
  
Orson: …must…resist…  
  
Cecil: (waking up) Hey Orson, what are you doing?  
  
Orson: I'm trying to control my anger to keep from killing Shiris.  
  
Cecil: Oh. You too, huh?  
  
(At the camp of King Kashue…)  
  
Parn: (snoring)  
  
Deedlit: (murmuring)  
  
Kashue: (snoring)  
  
(The camera pans up to show Shooting Star hovering above them)  
  
Shooting Star: (puzzled)  
  
(The camera pans back down to the camp)  
  
Parn: (screaming) Aahh, it's the Red Dragon! He's come to overthrow our capitalistic government and establish a dictatorship of the proletariat! (looks at camera) Get it? "Red" Dragon?  
  
Deedlit: (waking) It's okay, Parn, you're just having a nightmare. Go back to sleep.  
  
Parn: Oh. Okay. (goes back to sleep)  
  
Shooting Star: EXCUSE ME-  
  
Deedlit: Shhh! Can't you see he's trying to sleep?  
  
Shooting Star: BUT-  
  
Deedlit: Shh!  
  
Shooting Star: I-  
  
Deedlit: Quiet!  
  
Kashue: (waking) Deedlit, who are you talking to?  
  
Deedlit: The dragon, he's trying to keep Parn up.  
  
Kashue: (to dragon) Hey, be quiet! Don't you know warriors need 10 hours of sleep every night?  
  
Shooting Star: WELL…  
  
(Kashue and Deedlit go back to sleep)  
  
(A few hours later, the camp has woken and is going about preparations. Suddenly, the lookout, after scanning the sky, ground, north, south, east, and west, checks out the view directly in front of him)  
  
Lookout: IT'S SHOOTING STAR!  
  
Everyone: (gasps)  
  
Shooting Star: (snores)  
  
NEXT EPISODE:  
  
Parn: Oh no, it's the evil Shooting Star! He's come to eat us. Meanwhile, Orson and Shiris walk into a trap! Look out! Ashram's waiting to surprise you, when you least expect it! On the next episode of RoLW Rewrite, One Day From Retirement!  
  
Parn: You better get ready!  
  
Cecil: Will you stop saying that?! 


End file.
